Let’s talk pleasure and sex. Are you feeling like those two things don’t even belong in the same sentence?
True or false… sex should bring you as much pleasure as it brings your partner. 100% TRUE!!! But if you suffer from pain during sex, that may not be your reality.
Many women find it difficult to discuss the pain that comes with vaginismus and the effects it has on their sex life and their intimate relationships. They feel frustrated by the apparent lack of coordination between their willing minds and uncooperative bodies.
Fortunately, there are ways you can manage vaginismus—and we work through them and coordinate them for you in vaginismus therapy. Think of your sex therapist as your general contractor. We can bring all the services you need to the table, when you need them. But it all starts with naming the problem and discussing how to move forward.
That’s why we put together this guide on vaginismus, its effects, and how to overcome it. You deserve a fabulous sex life. And we want to help you experience it.
What Is Vaginismus?
Vaginismus is medically defined as involuntary contractions and muscle tension that occurs with vaginal penetration or a pelvic exam. This can include penis penetration, finger or medical instrument insertion, or even the insertion of a tampon.
Anything that enters your vagina causes a spasm reaction, leading to pain and discomfort.
Here’s the kicker. You can experience vaginismus your whole life. That’s primary vaginismus - a lifelong and painful reaction regardless of what is inserted. On the other hand, pain can suddenly happen when you’ve never experienced it before. That’s secondary vaginismus. Secondary vaginismus catches many women by surprise. Suddenly, there’s a type of penetration that causes pain.
And that’s the other misconception about vaginismus. Every type of penetration may not cause pain. Tampons may be fine. While penal penetration is excruciating. Finger insertion may feel great. Or everything inserted in the vagina might cause pain.
Different women have different experiences with vaginismus. If you identify with any of the above, you are more normal than you think. And that’s because, for many, there’s a stigma around discussing problems during sex.
Sex Therapy provides a safe, judgement-free environment to talk about all the things limiting the joy in your sex life.
Causes and Symptoms
Although vaginismus is a common condition among women, it's heavily underdiagnosed. Some women feel too embarrassed to report it.
You'll know you have it if you experience any of the following symptoms:
Stinging sensation or pain during sex
Difficult or impossible insertion of a penis, fingers, and/or tampons
The feeling of "hitting a wall" when penetration occurs
The causes of vaginismus vary with each person. So, we approach each situation on a case by case basis. For example, a person suffering from vaginismus may have experienced rape, sexual abuse, and other forms of trauma. Another person may develop vaginismus due to internal chemical and hormone imbalances. For others, religious or childhood beliefs can drive the discomfort.
No matter the underlying reason, vaginismus takes a physical, emotional, and psychological toll.
Is Vaginismus Treatable?
Through many years of thorough research and clinical practice, I've studied the effects of vaginismus. And, yes, vaginismus is manageable and can even be cured if you work through a plan.
Our body is adaptable and constantly changing. Your ears, for example, can slowly stretch and fit the size of whatever earrings or piece of jewelry you want to wear.
Even your neck, a body part thought to be fixed at a young age, can be conditioned and manipulated to stretch, as seen in the practices of the long-necked women of the Padaung tribe in Myanmar. So why would we think the same doesn’t apply to your vaginal muscles?
In sex therapy, we explore various treatment options to manage and overcome vaginismus. However, vaginismus affects more than just your physical body. Treating the underlying emotional and psychological damage vaginismus has caused can help you get everything moving forward.
Thus we always recommend starting with vaginismus therapy.
Vaginismus Therapy
Vaginismus therapy takes you through the steps of recovery. It explores healthy habits you can implement in your life to overcome the fears and phobias caused when dealing with vaginismus.
This, partnered with various forms of physical and pelvic floor therapy and other recommended treatments, sets you up for success, helping you become more confident in managing your body’s reaction.
Going Through the Steps
You'll begin the process by figuring out where you stand regarding the level of intolerable penetration—what you currently feel engaging in sexual intercourse. Then, together, we'll ask, "How did you get to this point?"
It's not uncommon for women with vaginismus to say that they were unaware of the condition due to misinformation they learned about sex growing up. This could have been your mother telling you sex equals an obligation vs something to enjoy. Or maybe an authority in your life used scare and shame tactics to help you avoid sex too early.
Misinformation can cause you to ignore signals your body sends you. Or it can lead to fearing any sexual interaction.
Once we understand the underlying causes of your body’s reactions, we put together a specialized plan of action. Your action plan can include cognitive behavior therapy, using a dilator each week and monitoring progress, all the way to partnering with pelvic floor therapists and medical doctors when necessary.
Getting Support From Your Partner
This leads to one of the most important points I want to make. You can still have a fun, fulfilling sex life with vaginismus. Even as we work through your vaginismus therapy.
One key to making it work. Communicating with your partner.
Many women feel ashamed and embarrassed to talk to their partner about pain during sex. That can mean during sex, they either ignore the pain or push away from sexual penetration. This lack of communication may cause confusion and strain both in your body and in your relationship.
Sex is supposed to be pleasurable to both you and your partner. The sooner you talk about your vaginismus with your partner, the sooner you both can learn helpful tricks and alternatives to bring pleasure back into your sex life. Or maybe even experience pleasure you’ve never felt before.
How to Tell Your Partner
Take a look at this list of steps on the best ways to communicate with your partner about pain during penetration:
Practice what to say with a friend or someone close to you
If you haven’t had sex yet, tell your partner in a relaxed and casual manner
Sit them down in a comfortable, distraction-free setting before intimacy begins
Give them time to process what you've told them
Accept any support they offer
As you go through your therapy, you'll learn ways to help you and your partner enjoy sexual intimacy without missing out on the pleasure of the experience.
Get Started on Your Healing Process Today
Living with vaginismus can be difficult, as it affects your life in more ways than one. But you don't have to let it control your relationship with sex.
As a sex therapist, I've dedicated my life to using vaginismus therapy to help women heal from past trauma and overcome the obstacles of painful vaginal penetration. Let me help you take back your power to feel confident and enjoy sex again.
For more information on specialized action plans tailored to your needs, book a free consultation for sex therapy today.