From FB: “So I’m a lot older than my now husband (5yrs) we are almost 50 well I am anyway . Our youngest is 4… She still co sleeps with us and I’m perfectly fine with it, even tho I act like I don’t like it to him. Before we had our last kid our sex life was off the charts. It’s slowly been dwindling down.
Now we may have sex a few times a month and for me that’s great because I just don’t have the energy or will to want it. But since he’s become a gym rat he’s wanting it more and more.
My question is, what are some ways or things that you ladies suggest I do to maybe heighten your drive? He’s very handsome and he’s definitely built and at first glance a woman would want to rock his boat…. But he’s NOT romantic nor does anything to get the engine going although I’ve expressed to him that I need that.
Instead he will send me a text asking to clap some cheeks or something like that and it makes my skin crawl. I typically blame our daughter in bed with us as a reason but he’s getting frustrated with me and we are arguing about the smallest things.
He got mad because I cut his pineapple into tidbits and not chunks the man is going through it!”
Our Response:
Hello, dear readers! It's common for couples to experience changes in their sex life as they age and their circumstances evolve. In this blog post, we'll explore how to address the challenges of a shifting sexual dynamic and offer some guidance from the perspective of a seasoned sex therapist. Our goal is to help you reignite the spark in your intimate relationship and overcome obstacles that might impact your connection.
Understanding the Shift:
Firstly, it's important to recognize that various factors, including age, lifestyle, and personal preferences can influence changes in your sex life. You and your husband are almost 50, and you have a 4-year-old daughter who co-sleeps with you. These factors can undoubtedly have an impact on your sexual frequency and desire.
Open Communication:
Open and honest communication is the key to addressing any relationship issue. It's commendable that you're fine with co-sleeping with your daughter but have concerns about your husband's approach to intimacy. It's crucial to express your feelings and desires without judgment or blame. Let him know that you value your connection and want to work together to improve your intimate life.
Romantic Connection:
You mentioned that your husband isn't particularly romantic, which can be a common issue in long-term relationships. To reignite the passion, consider discussing the importance of romance in your relationship. Suggest activities or gestures that would make you feel desired and loved. Exploring new experiences together, such as date nights or weekend getaways, can also help rekindle the romantic flame.
Exploring Desire Discrepancy:
It's not unusual for couples to have differences in sexual desire, especially when one partner has experienced a significant lifestyle change, like becoming a "gym rat." It's essential to address this issue with empathy and understanding. Encourage your husband to share his feelings and concerns about the change in your sex life. Seek solutions together, such as finding a middle ground that satisfies both your needs.
Embracing Sensuality:
To heighten your own desire, explore your sensuality. Take time for self-care, engage in activities that make you feel confident and sexy, and prioritize your well-being. Regular exercise and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can also boost your energy levels and overall mood, positively impacting your libido.
Also, your child is fulfilling your “touch” needs. When you get her out of the marital bed, you’ll want to touch and be touched by your husband more. Think about eating a snack and ruining your appetite for the main course.
The Importance of Foreplay:
You mentioned that your husband's approach to initiating intimacy can be off-putting. Stress to him the importance of foreplay, emotional connection, and seduction. I challenge you to write out a script for him. So that he knows EXACTLY what you are asking for. I also request that you give him a list of 20 small things he can do at will that will ignite your desire. Many men feel like they used to know what works for their wives, but they don’t anymore. Making a black-and-white list will give him direction. Get as detailed as possible requesting the time, place, and frequency of things on the list. Encourage him to explore your desires and preferences. Remind him that taking time to connect emotionally can lead to a more satisfying and passionate sexual experience.
Seek Professional Help:
If communication and self-help strategies don't yield the desired results, consider seeking the assistance of a professional sex therapist. Sex therapists are experts in addressing sexual issues within relationships and can provide guidance tailored to your specific needs and concerns.
Conclusion:
Remember, shifts in your sex life are a natural part of any long-term relationship. You can reignite the passion in your relationship by fostering open communication, prioritizing romance, and addressing differences in desire with empathy. Embrace the journey of rediscovering each other and creating a fulfilling and satisfying intimate connection.